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Farzana Versey

Bunnies' rabbits

All you nice guys out there who shut their eyes and ears to the dirty machinations of the body may not like what I am about to tell you, but lay a bet you will find some truth in what I have to say. That pornography and nudity give you the jitters.

Since this forum is not associated with erotica and pictures of nude women, I shall begin at the very beginning with Adam, the original porn star.

Please don't consider this a travesty. Adam probably did not even realise his nakedness until shame came into the picture and made his sons cover themselves up, even as they waited with bated breaths for that little peek into a cleavage. But my interest right now is in the porn-flicker.

The Bathroom Fitter

If you see a guy entering the loo with The Economic Times or The Financial Express rolled up, it's time to get suspicious.

Some people answer nature's call in the toilet, some get great thoughts there, but many find it a retreat. It is the most private part of your world, where you shed your inhibitions and your clothes. This man usually looks at the pictures and goes into deep analysis about the merits and demerits of the anatomy on display.

Lay a bet, we are talking about an engineer, a doctor, a technocrat or an upright bureaucrat.

The Shy One

My heart goes out to this chap. If he has laid his hands on a Playboy, he will end up reading an essay on The End of History or an interview with an anthropologist.

He walks into video parlours, picks up the courage to mutter, "Blue...", and the moment he sees that knowing smile on the salesman's face, he hurriedly repeats, "Blue Lagoon". So he ends up with a pre-pubescent Brooks Shields. But he is such a simple and undemanding soul that a 14-year-old in a swimsuit gives him tremendous satisfaction. It is probably the kind of wife he is looking for. And, who knows, this perhaps is his way of preparing for marriage and suhaag raat (the first night).

Lay a bet, this one is a mama's boy, a husband-to-be, a clerk at a bank, a school teacher, a religious man, a patriot, a common man.

The Man About Town

This one knows all there is to know about pornography and he just does not care. He'll stack those magazines and brashly display them on the coffee table. He'll watch those films while talking on the phone or going through important office papers. He'll buy the priciest tickets for a sleaze show and gamely participate in whatever is happening on stage -- stroke the dancer's buttocks, help her with the dildo, whisper risqué jokes into her ears and always take the front seat.

Then he'll go back to his hotel room and tell his wife it was all a load of crap. If she isn't with him, he'll call her up and tell her about the great financial deal he's struck, and how much he's missing her. And yes, important men like him have to be seen as suave, so he did go to a night-club but, "Honestly, darling, Hindustani aurat ki baat hi kucch aur hain (Indian women are something else!). I am dying to return home to some hot parathas!"

Lay a bet, he is an executive and has two children.

The Obessive Porn Pawn

This man will strip even a lamp-post. He has a permanent leer. He collects gizmos, is distracted at work, hoards money, is suspicious and believes that everyone is his enemy.

He does not care for anybody's emotions.

Lay a bet, he is unsuccessful in life, a foul-tempered employer or an overly-friendly employee, a fanatic, a politician.

Last Word: What men must understand is that, one, their indulgences ought to be kept private and, two, women too may patronise pornography.

Illustration: Dominic Xavier