PERSONALITY
TREND
FASHION
COLUMNISTS
CHAT JOCKEYS
ARCHIVES

t was a terrible turmoil. I had to be truthful with myself and I realised I was fighting a losing battle." After a long, hard struggle, Dr Lionel Fernandes resigned from his life as a priest. "I had joined as an adolescent but, once I was a young adult -- and even later -- I experiencing... desire." It is not easy for him to be so articulate, but Dr Fernandes does not varnish his words.

Now a professor of political science at the University of Bombay, Dr Fernandes was a Jesuit priest for six years before he decided it was not what he was cut out to be. "At first, you try to suppress these feelings because of your idealism. But, as time passes, it get more difficult to handle. I was going through these crises even at the time of my training, but I chose to carry on because I didn't want to chicken out. I didn't even have an alternate source of living. I did not have a another career. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to find a life partner."

Dr Fernandes' personal struggle to come to terms with himself is a reflection of a thousand voices that remain silent because of their fear of facing the truth; of their lack of courage in speaking of the turmoil within themselves. "There are several priests who still carry on despite the way they feel," says Dr Fernandes. "This is understandable because it is more difficult to actually leave the Catholic Church than to carry on. The time of questioning is extremely painful; it traumatises you."

have a lot of lady friends, some of whom are young and attractive. I constantly face the fear of falling into sin," confesses another priest. "As a counsellor, I constantly face individuals who are seeking emotional comfort and trying to provide this without actually going against my vow is the most difficult thing."

Some priests, however, feel this need for companionship is satisfied by serving the parish and interacting with the parishioners and other priests. Dr Fernandes agrees that the vow of celibacy is not impossible to live by. "It takes tremendous motivation to let your life be bound by a vow. Some people do possess this motivation. For example, people like Mother Theresa do it out of choice. And celibacy of this kind can have tremendous value."

he Catholic Church wasn't always as rigid about the vow of celibacy. Dr Fernandes claims it was much more relaxed when the previous pope, Paul VI, was alive. "Without being derogatory," says Dr Fernandes, "I think Pope John Paul II is a bit conservative on certain issues like celibacy and the ordination of women." Until the Pope changes his stance on the vow of celibacy among priests and nun, there will not be any change.

"But," he continues, "there are some valid reasons for the vow of celibacy. For example, there is the vow of property, which does not allow any priest to own any property. If a priest gets married, the Church property becomes privatised thus violating the vow."

hile the process is long and complicated for unhappy priests wishing to leave the Catholic Church, it is relatively easier for nuns to do the same. "Nuns are not ordained, so they can leave at anytime they wish with just a letter of resignation. But a nun who has left her order may find it difficult to readjust in society. The more she delays, the more difficult it will be," says Dr Fernandes.

Sr Jaunita, who belongs to the order of the Daughters of the Cross, adds her viewpoint, "We are human, too. Eventually, I guess it's a matter of priority in a person's life. I haven't actually had to face any personal struggle."

Back Tell us what you think of this feature

More