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The Desi Fight Club

As I inserted the key to my apartment, I heard loud voices within. My roommate Jay seemed to have got his friends over.

I listened to their exchange and became alarmed. Here is some of what I heard:

"Gautam hit Nirav on his head with his elbow..."

"...and then he crashed his knee on my thigh."

"Jay punched me on my face."

"Nirav stamped on Sunil's toe"

This is serious! Was this a fight club in the making? Darn that Brad Pitt movie! I knew it would have a bad influence on my desi friends, especially big Gautam, who has seen it twice and has been constantly urging others to watch it.

In the hall I saw Jay and Gautam engaged in serious conversation with Ravi and Satya. It was quite apparent they had not heard me. I looked around the house, but did not find any broken furniture (not that there are many).

"Guys," I said sternly. "What is going on here?"

They seemed quite surprised to see me. Jay said, "Hey, Prakash. When did you get back?"

"Long enough to hear what you have been up to," I said.

Jay, obviously surprised at my tone, said, "What do you mean, we have been up to?"

"I heard everything. The punch on the face, the elbow in the head, the toe-stamping..."

Jay interrupted, "Oh, so you heard us talking, huh? That is not all, there is more. Gautam and myself are briefing Ravi and Satya about all the fun we had yesterday. Why don't you join us too? We have just started."

Oh, their cheek! Now they wanted me to join their sinister fight club!

"I don't want anything to do with it," I said. "How can you guys take a liking to this style of fun? This does not befit an Indian! If you want to fight, why don't you fight against the terrorists in Kashmir? At least, the country can be proud of you. Why fight among yourselves?"

I paused. I felt I had made my point.

There was a sudden silence in the room. But not for long.

"Have you gone crazy?" Jay asked. What are you talking about? We were merely discussing yesterday's basketball game!"

"Huh? Basketball? When did the rules of basketball change?" I said. "Honestly, I liked the old rules better, the point system for baskets and all. I don't like these new rules, of having to hit one's opponents to score points."

"Basketball rules have not changed," replied Gautam. "Basketball is a fast game. So injuries are bound to happen. But mind you, nobody does it intentionally. It is just the nature of the game. Now, could you kindly tell us, what you have been thinking about, all this while?"

Normally, I am not one to back out of an argument. But when a six-foot-something guy makes such points in a rather harsh tone, to a five-foot-something guy it is wiser to keep your mouth shut.

I did just that. These days when I enter my apartment, I pretend not to hear anything.

But I am still not convinced my friends are playing basketball in its true spirit. How can I be, when I see a black eye, swollen toe, limping foot, fractured finger, et al, week after week after week?

Prakash Vaidyanathan, as you have guessed, has never played basketball.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

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