Every time I stand at the bus stop, cursing the perpetually late bus, or wait for an auto, which never ever seems come by when you most need it--- I resolve to learn how to ride. Why should I be at the mercy of the irregular and overcrowded buses or the noisy and uncomfortable autos?

After all, riding a bike is just a little tougher than a bicycle, isn't it? The right hand accelerates and the left hand brakes! So simple! And what's more there's no pedaling, no huffing and puffing.

The only problem is that the bike is much, much heavier than the light-weight cycle. But then, there are so many elderly women and anorexic young girls who are out there riding. And surely at my age, my well-toned biceps are more power-packed than the sloppy and fleshy biceps of those old ladies or the stick-like skin-hugging arms of those anorexic girls?

So, what is the problem?

Let's not get into the philosophy of why some people are natural-born and some are born clumsy. Let's put in simple words. Some people are simply not made for riding!

Even as pillion riders, they peep gingerly over the rider's shoulder and cringe as soon as a vehicle tears down in the opposite direction. Or squeeze the rider till his/her lungs plead for mercy, when a car suddenly appears out of the blue. Sometimes even shift weight dangerously when they want the rider to avoid a vehicle! They keep their fingers crossed till they ache. Or they mutter a prayer, hoping God will miraculously clear all the obstacles in front! At times they squeeze their eyes shut---so tight that opening them would need pliers---while hoping, like a dumb ostrich, that all the traffic-troubles would evaporate mysteriously!

Well, let's not hide anymore. I have to confess: All of the above is me!

Oh, why can't all the roads be one-ways? Why can't the streets be less fraught with humps, potholes, trenches and what-nots? Why can't there be less traffic? Why can't everyone drive more slowly? Why can't everyone follow traffic rules? But asking for all this might be a trifle too demanding for Indian roads.

But if you think a little deeply, being a non-rider has its benefits too. For example, I don't have to break my head and sometimes my body too, to find a parking place in the sea of two-wheelers. This is the nightmare no rider can dispute.

As a non-rider, I can also give myself a pat on the back. Am I not generating employment? Am I not giving work to the hapless auto-driver? Doesn't the money I pay him contribute, even a teeny-weeny bit towards his child's school fees or perhaps a sari for his wife? And doesn't the money I offer the conductor (which, by the way has to be in change otherwise he will get mad at me!) go towards his salary?

And as a non-rider am I not not-contributing to the pollution, thereby making the air a wee-bit cleaner for you to breathe?

Sometimes I can even see a halo shining above my head.

Okay, okay, I know these are all justifications and hollow pats on my back. The truth is, I still want to learn how to ride!

I even got the Learner License forms, including a copy of all the road signs and a list of the 150-odd objective questions that I could be asked.

But the form lies in my drawer - unfilled and probably gathering cobwebs. The objective questionnaire is far too daunting. Of course the answers are provided at the back, like 1)c, 2)a, 3b) and so forth. That means I have to shuffle painfully back and forth, back and forth, to match the questions and the answers! It means going back to school days, burning the midnight lamp to cram all the answers to questions like "how many feet before one makes a turn, should a signal be given: a) 20m, b) 30m or c) While turning". Or even math questions like "If you are driving at a speed of 60km/hour, in one second your vehicle covers the distance of: 1) 30m, b) 1m or c) 42m?!"

Who knows what questions will appear for the test? Can someone leak the paper to me and help me graduate from the "good-for-nothing-pillion rider" post to the rider's post? I know slipping a few currency notes under the table might get me what I want. But then, hey..we are talking about an upright citizen here!

When she can't find public transport, Meera Guthi walks.

llustration: Lynette Menezes

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