Path to peace

We heard the news while in office: India has shelled Pakistani camps.

"Finally!" my colleague sighed.

"Yes," I said.

Those goons were killing innocents in Kashmir. I remembered the bombing of the assembly house in Srinagar that killed nearly 40 people. No reasoning with these terrorists!

So when I heard the news of the Indian attacks, I thought: Ah, New Delhi hasn't lost its backbone!

We ended our Jai Hind talks soon, but we couldn't hide the pride and excitement on our faces. What next? Now that George Fernandes is back, will L K Advani keep his word of having an undivided Hindustan? Will the sober Vajpayee quit writing poems and start thinking about Kashmir? Will the Kashmir problem be solved along with the eradication of the Taleban?

Just a few days ago, when America started bombing Afghanistan, I had decried war in this same space. There is nothing justifiable about war, I had argued. What about the poor Afghanis? What about the children who will die in the bomb raids?

Well, it looks like I have to deal with my double standards first. When there is violence against my homeland, I want to take revenge on the perpetrators. But when it was happening to someone else, I was full of sympathy for the victims!

It is very tough dealing with this situation. If someone punches my face black and blue, will I respond? Will I think of the children he will go home to?

I certainly do not think so. Maybe Christ and Gandhi would. Maybe I can preach non-violence -- but it is very difficult to practise what you preach.

I have to face the truth. If India wins another war with Pakistan and finally erases terrorism from Kashmir, will I cry for the victims of that war?

To be truthful, I don't think so. I will not think of the casualties, but of the end result: peace. My homeland is all that I am worried about.

But if it is another place, I probably will side with the anti-war marchers. I know myself and I am pathetically full of hypocrisies. How can I nod yes to one and no to another? How can I cheat my own instincts so convincingly? I have to find the answers myself.

I can now understand the anger the American public must have felt, the reason why they sent in fighter planes. I guess non-violent people, people who can condemn violence even when they themselves are victims of it, are getting fewer in this world. And to be like that, I need to work very much on my morality.

This diary is a correction to my earlier one -- let me make a start here.

Lebi Tom hopes to see a peaceful Kashmir in her lifetime.

Illustration: Lynette Menezes

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