After the tehelka.com revelations, I sought the reactions of some important personalities affected by the expose.

By God, it was not easy getting them to talk! I had to undergo embarrassing body searches before I could get to some people featured in this expose.

Hence, these quotes are not on tape. I am reproducing from memory what they told me:

ABV: Hey Ram! When will we get rid of this constipation, er, corruption? How can I say anything when we are full of it? If I were in the Opposition, I could have put my histrionics to good use. My pauses would have put the Opposition to sleep...

Sonia G: MiL would have liked me to chant the Hanuman Chalisa 10,000 times every day, but then different strokes for different folks. I very much prefer chanting The government will fall on its own. Besides improving my English, it makes me sound more convincing when I tell my party to sit tight and wait for its fall. The day it falls, they will think I am a leader with foresight.

George F: It took me 20 years of party-hopping to get this chair. Then these fake arms dealers come and ruin my party! Since the scandal broke out, I can't even render the national anthem correctly. The only words I remember are Jaya hey! Jaya hey! I still don't understand why Jaya had to expose herself.

B Laxman: Must visit the doctor soon. This problem is really creating a stink. It was all right as long as I was addressing party workers. But now I am no longer the president of a pre-Jurassic Era party but a national figure. I can't afford such indulgences.

Mamata B: Brrrr! Brrrr! Everyone must be wondering why I have wrapped two shawls, but then they don't have to endure the cold vibes that my ex-NDA allies send out. Brrr! It's freezing. Now I know how Vajpayee must have felt when I used to throw those tantrums.

M Karunanidhi: Five years. Five years. Five years. Five years. Five years. Five years! Not a single scandal! Not a single issue for the opposition, and now this! This is nothing but a conspiracy by these Hindi-speaking guys. Couldn't these Tehelka daat com guys have waited another 15 weeks before releasing the tapes? I need to get myself a new pair of glasses. The old ones seem kind of shady.

Chief of Met Department: (Staring at the Richter Scale, dark circles under his eyes) I can't understand why the indicator has been jumping like crazy every night since March 13. No sign of an earthquake, but why then is the earth shaking so much?

Arun J: God! I am losing all my hair just thinking of all the moolah I have been losing out on defending these amateur actors gratis. If I had put in the same effort in the Supreme Court, I would have made enough money to buy the defence ministry itself, to say nothing of smaller fries like Samata Party and the Trinamul Congress.

Keshubhai P: God is great. Now that everyone is busy with the defence scandal, I can pay attention to all the aid that has been pouring in from abroad. Like my ex-boss, even I prefer dollars. The next elections are not going to be a cakewalk like the last one. Better save something for a rainy day.

Laloo P (in Bombay to attend the wedding of a minister): Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi, aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai.
Raja ki aayegi baraat, rangeeli hogi raat, sajan mein nachoongi.
Le jayenge, le jayenge, dilwale dulhaniya le jayenge.

Me: Sir, your reaction to the defence scandal.

LP: All this time, NDA making us eat chara [fodder] and they take money. Now, Laloo eating sweets because Tehelka shown NDA full of cheats. Arre, Shakerji ko bulayiye naa. Vajpayeeji ka nakal badhiya karte hain woh.

Dhiraj Shetty has more spoofs up his sleeve.

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