I came to the United States three years ago. How time has passed, how it has dragged me along! I am a computer professional. So when my parents were looking out for a boy I wanted someone in the same line. After a lot of searching, I got married and we came to the US after three months. Initially we stayed in a motel. We thought our home would be brightly lit, with tasteful sofas, classy furniture, cordless phones, exquisite cookware, etc. Then we moved into what became our home. It had just four walls! It was nowhere close to what I had imagined. It had nothing! I was learning to cook over phone all the way from home, and it proved very expensive. We tried to pull along with very modest living. Eating out just once, new clothes every six months or so... We were trying to cut down on everything and so a bright idea hit us. Why don't I earn? I had the qualification and experience, did I not? We started inquiring. That was the biggest mistake I ever did in my life. I had a beautiful, calm life, and I let people into it! For more than a year I searched for an employer, braving comments like: "I know a girl, she got a job within two months in the US..." "Probably you have to study more..." "Why are you searching only in Chicago? Do you want a job within 10 miles of your home?" Every such remark ate into my confidence. What was I doing wrong? Will I ever get a job? Why is God doing this to me? I could not eat or sleep peacefully because my ears were always tuned to the phone, for the call that would tell me to join my job the coming Monday. I was reluctant to even leave the house for fear of missing that call. Days passed. My confidence eroded even more. I started avoiding people. I didn't want to answer that disgusting question, "So did you get a job?" Finally I got the call. I could join Monday! That was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time. I called up everyone we knew to tell the news. Then disaster struck. My husband got transferred to another state. Now we live separately. He tries to come home every weekend. Now all I hear from people are: "How can you stay alone?" "Aren't you bored?" "What do you do when you come from office?" These comments and my husband's absence have wiped out my sense of achievement. I had always dreamt of having my own car and being independent. Now I have a car, I am independent. But am I happy? All I feel is hollow inside. Do I really want this life? This life where I have to survive five days before I can have a normal married life? I would rather a life in which my husband comes home every evening, and I cook him a good dinner... and we talk of my day at office and his. Oh, what am I saying? That was what I had initially, before I let people into my life. So what am I -- a loser or a determined professional? Shanthi Sreedharan now dreams of a transfer to her husband's city. Illustration: Uttam Ghosh Tell us what you think of this diary
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