A few days ago, for the first time in over 10 years, I felt a link with God. My slide into atheism was halted at the agnostic roadblock. Maybe, just maybe, He is out there... Till 13, studying in a Jesuit institution in Bangalore, I wanted to be a priest. Then on, a gradual disillusionment with the rituals of the Catholic Church led to a loss of faith. I continued attending Sunday Mass, but only to make my mother happy. Leaving home for college brought more freedom and, consequently, I've been to church perhaps three times in as many years. After faithfully attending Sunday service for 18 years, I believe I have earned my time off. But recently, while in Atlanta, Georgia, purely on a whim I joined my conservative, ultra-religious, Brazilian roommate for Mass at his church. It was totally different from anything I'd ever seen. The church was called 'The Vineyard'. The way of worship there was quite astounding in its unconventionality. Catholic Masses in Bangalore are fairly straightforward. These occur in a typical church, usually last about an hour, and are divided into sections, one of which is the sermon -- an obvious test from above to see if we mere humans can rise to the challenge of staying awake through boring, irrelevant lecturing. On the other hand, the service at The Vineyard took place in an ordinary hall. The altar lacked the standard crucifix and consisted merely of a stage upon which were the instruments of a rock band. The first part of the service, called "worship time", entailed singing by the band comprising five graduate students. The lyrics appeared on a gigantic screen above their heads. Everybody could, thus, sing along. And we did, enthusiastically. I noticed that most people had their hands raised to the heavens and were quite immersed in their worship. Some even jigged a little in their places. The band members were very affected by their songs. Often their voices choked with emotion. All of this built up an aura of holiness and presence of God that I have never before experienced in any church. During the service, we were completely free to wander to the back of the room and help ourselves to a range of juices, coffee and cookies. Several people had something to drink in their hands. I helped myself liberally and even mixed different flavours of coffee to produce my own special concoction -- and, hey, why not? After some 45 minutes of singing, there was a break. You had to go up to someone you didn't know and talk about Christ. This lasted for about 10 minutes. I got to meet and chat with a few Atlanta residents. (I go to college in North Carolina.) One thing that struck me was the number of foreigners present. Around me I could hear people conversing in Chinese, Spanish, German and even Russian. I also noticed some people who looked distinctly African. After the get-to-know session came the sermon. It essentially consisted of a lecture from a young lay preacher (not more than 30, I bet). It was a wonderful homily, filled with incidents from his life and the lives of people he knew. He talked about our desensitisation to the Bible today, and how the horrors of Jesus's suffering mean so little to us because we know the story so well. He brought home to us how hard it must have been for Jesus to sacrifice himself. The remarkable thing about the sermon was that it was as relevant for those of lesser faith like me as it was for the staunch believers. I took away a lot from it, certainly more than I have ever done in all my years at St Patrick's church in Bangalore. At St Patrick's, on the few occasions that the priest actually let me be awake, I couldn't help thinking that priests in India needed to stop ranting about hell and damnation and start living in the 21st century. At The Vineyard, I didn't feel sleepy even once. After he finished, the band came on. We sang one more hymn to round off the service. A meditation and reflection session was to follow. That was optional and we decided to leave. The entire service must have taken about 90 minutes. But to me, it was shorter than the 45-minute Mass we have back home. The Vineyard has been around for three years. To me, it is real religion, real worship. My mother warns me not to stray too far from spirituality, for she is convinced that I will someday regain my faith. She may be right. But I realise that any faith regaining I may accomplish will only be in an atmosphere like the one in that little church in Atlanta. It will never happen in the current Catholic Church set-up in India, an archaic, pre-historic institution that I don't believe has any right to tell me how to be one with God. Religion, to me, is intensely personal and weekly group gatherings in churches where we listen to the same stuff, sing the same hymns, battle to stay awake, and feel guilty for not paying attention is not in the least beneficial. I've been told that it's the ritual of Mass that counts, that the process of undergoing the ritual can be soul lifting. For those to whom this applies, I envy you. It doesn't work for me. When I connect with God, it should be on His terms or mine, never on the terms of an institution that has no idea who I am as an individual. Roshan Paul is a junior student at the Davidson College, North Carolina. Tell us what you think of this diary
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