Let's face it. Deep down inside, you would really like to go and see an astrologer, wouldn't you? And if you haven't been to one yet, chances are it's only because of one of three reasons: 1) Inertia, i.e. you've always wanted to, but somehow haven't gotten down to it, yet. 2) You're afraid of knowing too much about the future 3) You're worried that you might get "hooked" to it. Yes, the fact is, most of us, no matter how rational, have this deep-seated urge to have our future foretold. And if you're in a point in life when you're in any way worried, depressed, or confused, the temptation becomes very, very difficult to resist. But, having been to some of the most famous (and most expensive) astrologers around, and studied their modus operandi, let me offer you this concise guide to Everything You Need to Know About Astrologers. If you study them carefully, you will find that any consultation with any astrologer follows an identical, almost choreographed, routine. The end result of which will usually be that you even the most sensible of us goes home saying, "Wow, how accurate he was!" How the hell do they do it? Okay, here's the modus operandi.... First, the astrologer will tell you about your past in great detail... and with hair-raising accuracy, let me say. This is basically done by reading your mind (an admittedly remarkable talent -- but no different from what stage-magicians do). And the reason is simply this: to impress you and gain your confidence for whatever it is he's going to tell you next. But while he'll admittedly be incredibly accurate, please remember that telling the past is a whole different art (or science) from telling the future, and there's no connection whatsoever between the two. Next, the astrologer will inform you that you have been "going through a bad phase". (This is based on the very logical assumption that most people who come to astrologers do so because they're worried about something.) But, he quickly reassures you, don't worry, the bad period will end. Interestingly, however, this bad period will never end tomorrow, or next year; it will always end approximately two weeks from now. This is calculated to give you just enough time to psyche yourself up, so that at the end of the two weeks you leap out of bed in the morning, saying "Aha! Bad phase has ended!" And indeed it will have ended... through the mechanics of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Having gotten you hooked with his uncanny (but completely irrelevant) telling of your past, the astrologer will then proceed to tell you about your future. This will be basically a mixture of intelligent guesswork; cleverly ambiguous statements which can be interpreted any which way; and good, sensible advice like your father would give you ("Don't leave this job until you have another one in hand" etc) The astrologer might then recommend a gemstone for you to wear in order to counter the malefic effect of planets. (Of course this will work; once you're wearing it, your mind will automatically psyche you into believing that you're now amazingly lucky.) Alternatively, if the astrologer is a shrewd businessman, he will tell you that he'll perform a really powerful puja for you and/or give you a special yantra . This works in basically the same way as the gemstone... except that this way the astrologer suddenly gets richer by anything between about Rs 5,000 and Rs 20,000. (Sometimes more, sometimes less.) It's a great formula. But go to three different famous astrologers, and you'll end up with three completely different futures. Or look back on an astrologer's predictions -- very objectively -- from five years down the road, and you'll find that they haven't done anything more than beat the law of averages. Yet, cynicism apart, I guess the astrologer can play a pretty useful role in people's lives. But it's the role that a psychotherapist often plays in Western life: the role of helping people through rough patches, by helping them psyche themselves out of it, and giving them doses of good, sensible, fatherly advice. There is, however, that mythical beast, that "absolutely fantastic astrologer" you hear about from time to time -- you know, the one "who can really, truly foretell your future". Except that every time I seem to have tracked him down, he starts out by telling me about my past, and then quickly moves on to, "You're going through a bad phase, but don't worry the bad phase will end..." Oh shit, not again. Creative Director Anvar Alikhan, born under the sign of Leo, celebrated his birthday on August 3 Tell us what you think of this diary
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