I love my boyfriend! And he loves me!
So what's the problem?
Money!
And not the lack of it either. Apparently, I have too much of it.
Let me explain...
I come from an affluent family where we holiday abroad around once in two years.
We were never short of anything. My parents could offer everything tor my sisters and me.
And then, I went and fell in love with a great guy.
Nope. He is not rich.
He comes from a middle class family. Has never travelled abroad. He completed his management studies by taking a loan.
I know what you are thinking! A classic case of Billy Joel's uptown girl falling in love with a downtown boy.
And that is where the problem is.
It's all about money, honey!
Before I go on, let me be quick to reassure you I am not a nose-in-the-air snob who is of the opinion that I should marry into my social status (whatever that means!).
On the contrary, I seem to be getting opposition from a source I least expected.
His family.
Do they like me?
Sure they do. I have often dropped by and shared a meal with them.
The problem is they are of the firm opinion that marriage should take place within one's social status. While I think this is insane reasoning at its zenith, they feel it is their son's well being at stake.
I used to find it amusing, but now it's irritating how people assume that, if you come from a well-to-do family, you are a spoiled brat.
These are some of the comments he has had to hear from his parents.
"She will get on your case if you are unable to provide her with certain 'luxuries' ".
And what would those luxuries be?
A television, a music system and a car: all of which he too wants.
"She will demand a certain lifestyle. She will want to eat out at expensive restaurants and wear expensive clothes".
Again, not true. We were brought up on home cooked food and expensive wining and dining is what my boyfriend likes more than I do.
As for clothes, I wore my sisters' hand me downs and I hate shopping (you read that right!).
"She will refuse to do the housework".
I found this statement distressingly irrational. Their very own daughter hated to do housework, so why talk about me?
"She won't think that she has to rely on you to take care of her."
Well, monetarily speaking, I will survive on my own. But I do rely on him for a lot of other things -- things that matter.
What about the emotional stability I get from this relationship? The fact that I can trust someone with all my thoughts and insecurities and know that he still loves me. The assurance of being accepted for what and who I am. The intellectual rapport we share. The giddy feeling that comes from being in love and knowing that someone out there cares about you.
Obviously, in the light of the 'money' factor, all these fade away.
Earning more!
And, oops, did I forget to mention what really eats them up -- the fact that I earn more than him.
Not a great deal more, but more nevertheless. That is simply because we are in totally different fields. It is no reflection on our educational qualifications or intelligence or career growth within our industries.
"She will look down upon you."
Why would I do that? I never fell in love with his wallet or with his bank balance. I fell in love with him. If I did look down upon him, I would never consider marrying him.
"She will never respect you if you earn less than her."
Why does society assume that women only respect men who earn more than them? I am convinced this statement reflects more on the person making it.
Why should respect be the result of money? I respect my boyfriend for who he is and what he means to me. Whether rich or poor, his character (and my opinion of it) does not change.
At this juncture, I have to admit my parents too had some issues.
"Does he feel threatened by you?"
If he did, he would never have asked me to marry him, was my retort.
Finally, I decided to ask him outright.
"Will your respect or opinion of me dip should I start earning less than you?" I asked him.
He assured me it was not all the case. He too held the same views as I did -- respect had nothing to do with earning potential.
"Do you feel you are a lesser human being because I earn more?" I will never forget his credulous laugh. He really was amused it even crossed my mind.
What really is the problem?
While I believe that a man's ability to single-handedly support his family was a matter of pride during my parents' time, this traditional role has undergone a metamorphosis.
But that does not mean it comes without opposition. After all, it has been ingrained into us that the wife's salary is meant to augment the husband's, not vice versa.
People will even understand if the spouses earn the same salaries, but the woman earning more than the man... that's sacrilegious!
After listening to our parents' views and concerns, I have to admit income inequality could sow bitter seeds of contention, instead of unity and stability.
But money is more a bone of contention when it is valued and spent differently by spouses.
For instance, when one is a spendthrift or a miser and the other is not. Or when one keeps taking loans to finance a lifestyle they both cannot afford. Alternatively, when one keeps sending money to their family and not saving enough for the children. I have even seen buying expensive gifts for the children become an issue with one spouse.
But whether or not it becomes an issue when the balance in earning power is tipped towards the woman is very personal to each couple.
It ultimately boils down to people's core beliefs about who they are and what they need to be doing to feel like a 'real' man or woman.
While I feel the insecurity of a man earning less than a woman is sheer stupidity on the part of mature adults, it does exist. And when insecurity and ego come into play in a relationship, it can be hell.
Life goes on
Anyway, despite our parents' apprehensions, we have decided to go ahead and get married.
Currently, neither of us have any loans. However, we plan to take a joint home loan to buy a house. Each of us will contribute jointly and equally towards the Equated Monthly Installment.
We shall have one joint account; we will also have separate personal account.
In the joint account, we will each deposit a certain fixed amount every month and run the house based on these savings. So it is irrelevant who is earning more or less.
We will do our personal spending and investing from our personal account.
I am not saying my life will be a bed of roses. All I am saying is my boyfriend and I have decided not to let money be the determining factor in our relationship.
If you are a woman, would your respect for your husband dip if he earned less than you did? Or, if you are a man, would you want to earn more than your wife? Or is income irrelevant? I would love to hear from you!
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