'I thought the team did not want me'

Prolific Pakistani batsman Saeed Anwar has had an extraordinary career by any yardstick. Most famously, he holds the world record for highest individual score, 194, in a one-day international.

But all this matters little to him today. The death of his three-year-old daughter Bismah two years ago changed him in ways that are not easy to fathom.

When in Colombo for the ICC Champions Trophy last September, Anwar spoke with long pauses between sentences, pauses that made you feel uneasy. After all, what could you tell a man who had brought so much pleasure to cricket lovers around the world when he spoke of his personal pain?

The man who once drank like a fish -- as a teammate put it -- had left all that far behind, to find solace in Islam.

"There is peace inside me now," Anwar said then. "I am a better man. I still want to play cricket. Islam is the only truth."

Even that confusion ended this month when Anwar announced his retirement from cricket.

In a team of individuals some of who, for public consumption, kiss the turf and begin their post-match remarks in the name of Allah, Anwar was a true believer.

In a telephone interview with Assistant Editor Faisal Shariff, the left-handed opener revealed the real reasons for his retirement and expressed his anguish at the dearth of new cricketing talent in Pakistan.

Why did you decide to call it a day?

The main reason was that I was not selected. I don't know why. I thought it was no use hanging around. For someone closing in on 35, it was pointless waiting for six to eight months.

I have already lost two, three years due to injury. I thought the team did not want me. And I believed that as a performer you should never be pushed out. You should quit while you are ahead. Now, when I have quit, people ask me why.

Did any of the selectors talk to you before dropping you?

Yes, they spoke to me and told me I was being rested because they wanted to test the youngsters for Sharjah. I said fair enough. But rest is for one series, not for one year. You don't rest a player for one year. And anyway, since the World Cup, what have I been doing but resting? Why do they want me to rest so much?

Since I could not understand this theory of resting, I decided to quit gracefully.

Do you feel the various injuries and long layoffs robbed you of many more records? Do you regret anything now that you have quit?

I have no regrets. I was born with luck, lots of it, to have played and earned so much fame. I could only do that much as was written in my destiny.

Yes, of course, I always dreamt of scoring a Test triple hundred, but I guess I was not destined to get it. I am a happy man.

With Aamir Sohail you formed a remarkable opening pair. What was the main ingredient of your joint venture at the crease?

Aggression. I believe that today aggression works. Whether it is a bowler or a batsman, you have to be aggressive. You have to dominate from the start and take the early advantage. It adds pressure on the opposition. Aamir was aggressive and so was I and it worked beautifully. There was no respite from either for the bowler.

Even Desmond Haynes and Gordon Greenidge succeeded because they were aggressive. In fact, they had Vivian Richards coming in at three to make it even better.

Many people believe your turning to Islam was the reason for your cricketing decline. Do you agree with that assessment?

Not in the least bit. I became more professional towards cricket after I took my religion more seriously. I was never late for practice; I worked harder on my fitness.

What has the biggest difference been for you since you turned towards religion?

I was more at peace after that; sukoon hai, chain hai. Islam is a way of life; it makes you a better person. If I wanted I could have created a furore by talking to newspapers against the selector who excluded me from the team. Score karne ke baad bhi mujhe bahar kar diya (despite scoring well, he dropped me). But I have forgiven him. Meri frustration khatam ho gayee hai (I am frustrated no more).

Sometimes you can be in your worst form and yet get a century and other days when you are playing well one single edge ends your innings. It used to be very frustrating. Now it isn't.

I have understood that the result is with that man upstairs. Life has become simpler for me.

You failed as captain.

I just didn't have the ingredients for captaincy. I couldn't blame anyone. I couldn't pull up anyone, couldn't scream at anyone. It was not in my nature to be a leader. I stopped enjoying my batting. Cricket is all about enjoying the game. So I decided enough is enough.

What is wrong with Pakistan cricket? There are no successors to Wasim Akram, Inzamam-ul Haq and yourself.

First, there is no talent like there used to be. The other option to follow when you don't have talent is to set up academies. With the new academies coming up, there are positive signs, but it will take at least five years. There is a dearth of talent in Pakistan today.

You still hold the record for highest one-day score -- 194 against India. Can you talk me through that innings?

It was a very special innings because I was returning to international cricket after four months. The team really supported me a lot. My captain Rameez Raja gave me his new bat to play with that day. After that record score he gifted the bat to me.

I love playing against India and that day everything fell in place. I always make sure that I don't treat matches against India any special; that way I am under less pressure. Others in the team wouldn't sleep for nights before a game against India. That is the reason if you check my performance with any of my team-mates' performances against India, I have done better.

Now that you live a life of piety, can you say you never indulged in anything dubious when you played for Pakistan?

Fortunately, my conscience is clear. I could not understand why the Qayyum Commission, which alleged that I was hiding information about my team members, fined me. I have never ever been offered money to throw a match; I never received a phone call or any threatening call to underperform. I have no clue if any of my team-mates ever indulged in any malpractices. It is strange why I was fined.